HOGWARTS

I haven't let go of my super fantasy to be a wizard and live on campus in an enchanted castle. Nevertheless, SPRING semester began Monday and I have a full load. After dropping classes, and not getting into classes I needed, my degree is almost within my grasp. I've been saying that for about a year and a half now but it's coming to fruition. Promise!

• ENLISH
• HISTORY
• ORAL COMMUNICATION
• INTERMEDIATE ALGEBRA
• KINESIOLOGY  

Wrapping up with the basics of basics of classes and so far my three professors on campus are pretty legit. My other two courses are online courses. Textbook prices were moderate to ridiculous but I have all I need except one for the class I attended for the first time tonight. I looked everywhere online and bought used books, rented a book, and bought an older edition of my English book. My last book is a customized edition w/ an access code so I can't escape that $80+ price.

 BOO!

Total Price(s) of Books: $383.37

Total Price I Paid: $134.98

Amount of Savings: $248. 39

wear-able shoes

work-out-able shoes

not quite sure who sets the social barometer for normalcy. a conundrum I have countlessly failed trying to understand. fit into rather. my earliest memories of me consist of reading & speaking to books, walls, and a painting of a balloon that my mother used as room decor for my sister & I for years. it wasn't until a trip to Florida that I was old enough to fully grasp the meaning of 'social group' and/or 'social acceptance'. if I can pinpoint this internal endeavor I possess, it would begin there, where I had the inability to relate to/with little girls my age, who played the same games as I, who were interested in dolls and candy, and all the likings of being a young child. prior to, I'd attended Kindergarten at a private Christian center wherein I loved the academic setting yet loathed my peers that I as a five year old consumed a bottle of Robitussin so I didn't have to loathe them anymore. 

one morning I haphazardly took my fingers to my hair only to discover grazes of scalp and baldness. curiosity led me to the mirror, and I with my weak understanding of image and beauty embraced it, that which I had never seen .. until I became the target of 'ostracize'. becoming the laughingstock of adults who assumed I could not spell or understand language that was hurtful led to disdain. becoming the laughingstock of children I wanted to befriend because that's what you want .. friends, simply did not happen. belittled by those young & old alike, still no one spoke up or out for me, even when exposed to situation(s) that I should not have been exposed to occurred. by this time, a soaring discontent settled in my mentality, my character, and my personality + the innate way(s) I think and process + the being I was(am) ..  equated into a person that I have fought to admonish yet embrace. the pseudo me was birthed as I lived in uncertainty of others' perceptions. Cold. exploring the essence of acceptance through bouts of promiscuity, condescending intellect, introversion, alcohol, and my personal favorite solitude. 

by all means Life has not been that in which it have/has/had the potential to negatively be. I don't go without the basic necessities of human survival. my plight has been all things interpersonal. trying to come to terms with the physical uniqueness of me has long been assuaged by trying not to succumb to the painstaking dilemma of what goes on inside of me. I function so perfectly in my world, where my comfort zone is never threatened or vulnerable to ridicule or scathe. anxiety and depression and suicidal ideation comes in waves every now and then because the push and pull is wearing. being bold enough to stand in your 'you-ness' while simultaneously having subconscious insecurities is an experience that I can't quite get a handle on. there's been instances where I'd pray for a twin, pray to die, pray for someone to get me, pray for an awakening or some enlightenment. and now, at this moment, I'm just praying for my ME.

the mind is an exceptional, conceivable, phenomenon.

you could single handily put in place
the last brick of the wall , 
to only have it single handily 
tumble & fall ,

... the stillness is STILL the move ...

 

I've always subtlety liked Solange since her first debut as an artist, as well as her soft vocals on the tv show Proud Family theme. Her timidness was always attractive to me & her new found confidence in her music and her SELF over the past three years I've kept a small eye on her, has been pretty refreshing. Her 'Stillness is the Move' track that samples the talented Erykah Badu's "Bag Lady" was a fan favorite of mine that's becoming a close contender for second place to her latest single 'Losing You'. I'm still watching. Still listening.

FOUR YEARS 

 

POTUS & FLOTUS . 

President Barack Obama will indeed go down in history as one of the most influential persons and leaders of our nation. His legacy will have embodied an array of admirable characteristics that will be talked about for generations to come. With disdain and degradation both openly and privately, his adversaries have tried, to no avail, to diminish all what he has accomplished. Barack has stood for (stands for) so much for (to) the American people, making him the most likeable President in my  lifetime. Insomuch, he's been able to conjure up the red white & blue pride in us all, summoning the US of A self regard we oftentimes take for granted. Together, with our differences, our hatred, our compassion, our spiritual beliefs, our upsets, our political views, and our vast values, we are, for four more years continuing the plight of CHANGE and FORWARD marching.

                              Write before Writing

"Even the most productive writers are expert dawdlers, doers of unnecessary errands, seekers of interruptions, trials to their wives and husbands, associates, and themselves. They sharpen well-pointed pencils and go out to buy more blank paper, rearrange their office, wander through libraries and bookstores, change words, walk, drive, make unnecessary calls, nap, day dream, and try not 'consciously' to think about what they are going to write so they can think subconsciously about it."

                                                        - Donald M. Murray 

 if a blind man can see

 [it] ..

 today I sat down to wait for my name to be called , overheard a blind student asking people to guide him to the Library , four people later I left my seat and grabbed his hand & told him I'll take him . he thanked me so much, grabbed my arm and we walked.

  "We're approaching the stairs" 

 "May we take the elevator please?" 

 "Sure thing" 

his grip was firm and ambiguous to begin with, but immediately acquiesced to a subtle touch. his walk was rigid, yet accompanied by an occasional hop. Recalling the state of our hands is comedic in that we obviously forgot to put lotion on this morning ; the servitude of the situation didn't allow me to sneakily chuckle on the inside. we waited for the elevator. Him calling its arrival.

"It's coming"

{we stand inside & I push the button}

"I like your smell, it smells really nice"

"Oh wow, thank you so much"

"I, I, I, ... know that you're gorgeous because I can tell"

"Thank you, you're so sweet"

"Here. I'm giving you an apple" 

We leave the elevator and two turned corners we arrive to the automatic doors of the Library. I lead him in and ask him if he wants to go to a particular section, the computers, the front desk. 

"The front desk is fine"

I lead him to the front desk, as he grips my arms firmly and ambiguously again. I look around, I look down, I look at him to check if there's something wrong. I meet his smile as he asks for my name, I tell him, and he says,

"Thank you gorgeous Kamielle"

 "No, Thank You"

2012

2013

Physically: Keeping my temple healthy & rejuvenated

Spiritually: Keeping my faith strong & my relationship w/Jesus in order

Emotionally: Keeping my rational personality. Dismissing my neurotic characteristics

Financially: Keeping a hearty savings.

Socially: Help. Give. Kindness. Compassion.

fall semester grades were posted extremely late, but all the resentment due to their tardiness was swept away by my 4.0. Too elated. went to Disneyland with my Guy & it turned out to be a crowded catastrophe, we left early and didn't ride anything :( .  the Christmas tree is decorated [has been since the day after Thanksgiving] & immersed with gifts and lots of goodies. pilates & YouTube cardio has been my go to fitness scheme + my fast food consumption is at an all time low ! 

did my winter cleaning today and had to admit that I am a book, boots, and old memorabilia hoarder. mike and I went to downtown Riverside tonight to partake in the Holiday festivities and beef up his photography skills. seems crazy how it's only two days until the 25th. all my shopping and wrapping is done. i spent a good chunk of money this year just for my parents, brother, sisters, nephews, and boyf but they deserved it. 

found out that I was disqualified from the 911 Dispatcher position, extremely butt-hurt yet ready to carry out the things I need(ed) to accomplish. the year is nearly over and I've been trying to just rejuvenate and re-balance myself spiritually, mentally, & physically. REBOOT mode is in full effect and I'm totally ready to see where Christ is going to take me now.