not quite sure who sets the social barometer for normalcy. a conundrum I have countlessly failed trying to understand. fit into rather. my earliest memories of me consist of reading & speaking to books, walls, and a painting of a balloon that my mother used as room decor for my sister & I for years. it wasn't until a trip to Florida that I was old enough to fully grasp the meaning of 'social group' and/or 'social acceptance'. if I can pinpoint this internal endeavor I possess, it would begin there, where I had the inability to relate to/with little girls my age, who played the same games as I, who were interested in dolls and candy, and all the likings of being a young child. prior to, I'd attended Kindergarten at a private Christian center wherein I loved the academic setting yet loathed my peers that I as a five year old consumed a bottle of Robitussin so I didn't have to loathe them anymore.
one morning I haphazardly took my fingers to my hair only to discover grazes of scalp and baldness. curiosity led me to the mirror, and I with my weak understanding of image and beauty embraced it, that which I had never seen .. until I became the target of 'ostracize'. becoming the laughingstock of adults who assumed I could not spell or understand language that was hurtful led to disdain. becoming the laughingstock of children I wanted to befriend because that's what you want .. friends, simply did not happen. belittled by those young & old alike, still no one spoke up or out for me, even when exposed to situation(s) that I should not have been exposed to occurred. by this time, a soaring discontent settled in my mentality, my character, and my personality + the innate way(s) I think and process + the being I was(am) .. equated into a person that I have fought to admonish yet embrace. the pseudo me was birthed as I lived in uncertainty of others' perceptions. Cold. exploring the essence of acceptance through bouts of promiscuity, condescending intellect, introversion, alcohol, and my personal favorite solitude.
by all means Life has not been that in which it have/has/had the potential to negatively be. I don't go without the basic necessities of human survival. my plight has been all things interpersonal. trying to come to terms with the physical uniqueness of me has long been assuaged by trying not to succumb to the painstaking dilemma of what goes on inside of me. I function so perfectly in my world, where my comfort zone is never threatened or vulnerable to ridicule or scathe. anxiety and depression and suicidal ideation comes in waves every now and then because the push and pull is wearing. being bold enough to stand in your 'you-ness' while simultaneously having subconscious insecurities is an experience that I can't quite get a handle on. there's been instances where I'd pray for a twin, pray to die, pray for someone to get me, pray for an awakening or some enlightenment. and now, at this moment, I'm just praying for my ME.
the mind is an exceptional, conceivable, phenomenon.